Will i Ever Attend An Exciting Fetish Event Again?

So, i am slowly but surely re-entering the arena of Sadomasochism, once again. The fulfillment seems like it's never there. Life happens so it takes you to different places at different times, but, i still seek to be taken levels i haven't been to in years. It's now a matter of who, when and how at this point of time. Sadly, the NYC Fetish events haven't been as exciting as it had been in previous years and when i say previous years, i'm speaking of more than 10 years ago. You would figure since it's New York City, it would be lively. Don't get me wrong, different people see different things and i can only go my my own experiences. i am SURE a lot of people attending today's fetish events are having the time of their lives, i just so happen to NOT be one of them presently.

There was a time where play WAS the reason people attended these fetish events, but it seems to be more of a fashion show these days (Nothing wrong with that, i DO enjoy seeing women dressed or undressed in the name of fetishism) and/or a gathering of people within the scene (Again, nothing wrong with that, i enjoy seeing my scene friends ALL the time when i am out and about) but there was a time where a voyeur of the fetish arts would go home happy because of the exciting scenes going on around the venue (Notice, i said scenes, as i only see a scene or 2 when going to certain fetish events).

It Gets So Confusing At Times

What gets confusing you may ask? my thoughts, usually....  i still have an interest in submitting and becoming a 'real' masochist, but, not being in the mood to go out, puts a damper on things sometimes. And even when i DO go out, specifically to a fetish event in New York City, i encounter countless Pro Dommes trying to find a way to separate my ends from my means without truly caring about or for the connection one seeks in this 'lifestyle'. Sometimes i have a yearning to attend a private event, knowing no one, but being welcomed just for having the nerve to show up and with the possibility of finding someone who is naturally sadistic and actually gets turned on with the thought of abusing someone like me. But, how do i find such parties? The underground is TRULY underground.....

The Art of Public Play

i am not one to play in public, PERIOD! It's not something i actively participate in, although i AM a voyeur and enjoy watching public play, it's just that i don't want to play in public, simple. i have been in the scene for about 16 years and i am ALWAYS asked that question on a regular basis. 'How come you don't play in public, Why don't you play at parties?' Well, everyone has a fetish and needs and wants. If someone feels comfortable doing what they do in public, then by all means, I salute you! But, just because you enjoy doing so in public, doesn't mean i have to as well. That's absurd!

Single Tail?!?!? Why me?!?!?

For those who know me, it's been stated multiple times over the years that, my 2 worst enemies are the single tail and the cane! So, why is it that, in the past 2 months, 2 separate Dommes have called upon my services to be Their practice dummy? And to make matters worse, it was specifically for the single tail!!! Now, most people in the scene know that i am a sucker for pretty faces, so i didn't have the balls to say no to either one of the Dommes.

New Approach....

Sorry for the lack of posting, but i have had nothing to post about...... But, in light of recent events (Meaning nothing!), i have decided to take a different approach in hopes of fulfilling my goals of becoming a straight masochist. i do know some great Dommes and i would have hoped that i could have been in the clutches of One or Two or Three, etc. since i thought i had good relationships with Them, but evidently, this is not enough and instead of trying to serve Them or be of use to Them, i have decided to start my search fresh and hope for the best! Maybe one of these Sadistic Women Who know nothing about me will be willing to give me the chance to serve or They will enjoy having someone like me to abuse for Their enjoyment. i plan on being more active on FetLife now, utilizing collarme more and maybe try craigslist to find the Woman that would be happy to have me as Theirs. Maybe i will even change my name, my mindset, anything to be of use to a natural Domme. i will look for more fetish events and maybe i will offer myself willingly to Women i've had no interest in serving before. my want to serve is becoming more of a need and it has to be satisfied somehow (No, i have no plans to be a client and that's probably where i've erred in the past by offering myself to Pro Dommes, but i've had great relationships with Pro Dommes as Their personal slaves but the recent crop that i have encountered obviously don't see any benefits of having me at Their mercy, so, my pursuit will take place outside of the Pro realm now!). i also hope that by utilizing this blog, i can express my feelings more freely and feel much better about wanting to give myself more freely so that i will become the perfect bottom for the Top i seek to serve or be used by.....