What gets confusing you may ask? my thoughts, usually.... i still have an interest in submitting and becoming a 'real' masochist, but, not being in the mood to go out, puts a damper on things sometimes. And even when i DO go out, specifically to a fetish event in New York City, i encounter countless Pro Dommes trying to find a way to separate my ends from my means without truly caring about or for the connection one seeks in this 'lifestyle'. Sometimes i have a yearning to attend a private event, knowing no one, but being welcomed just for having the nerve to show up and with the possibility of finding someone who is naturally sadistic and actually gets turned on with the thought of abusing someone like me. But, how do i find such parties? The underground is TRULY underground.....
But, until then, i face the same feelings i have had since being involved in this scene for over the past 16 years, what do i do and where do i go in order to satisfy an urge that needs to be taken care of, if for the benefit of not only me, but the one i submit to. i will figure it out somehow.....
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