Vulnerability

OK, OK! Miss Susie was right! I am just as bad, if not worse than the Dommes i complained about not updating Their blogs! i should be punished and abused by all the Dommes i've ever talked bad about Who haven't updated Their blogs!!!

With that being said, i often wonder what it is about being nude in front of a Domme. When i was first being trained, it was a remarkable feeling to be fully exposed in front of an attractive and demanding Woman. As powerful as I would feel in my every day vanilla life, i would feel the EXACT opposite of that while naked in front of a Woman Who was fully dressed. In fact, it's safe to say that i am more submissive when i am fully nude. I am so vulnerable for many reasons as i am exposed, not in just the physical sense, but in the mental and emotional sense.

i feel i can and do give more of myself when i have no clothes on and an attractive Woman is there, ESPECIALLY when She has any instrument or a threat of punishment at Her hands. Come to think of it, maybe i do prefer to be at my most vulnerable in order to feel completely at the mercy of the Domme i am serving......

New Approach....

Sorry for the lack of posting, but i have had nothing to post about...... But, in light of recent events (Meaning nothing!), i have decided to take a different approach in hopes of fulfilling my goals of becoming a straight masochist. i do know some great Dommes and i would have hoped that i could have been in the clutches of One or Two or Three, etc. since i thought i had good relationships with Them, but evidently, this is not enough and instead of trying to serve Them or be of use to Them, i have decided to start my search fresh and hope for the best! Maybe one of these Sadistic Women Who know nothing about me will be willing to give me the chance to serve or They will enjoy having someone like me to abuse for Their enjoyment. i plan on being more active on FetLife now, utilizing collarme more and maybe try craigslist to find the Woman that would be happy to have me as Theirs. Maybe i will even change my name, my mindset, anything to be of use to a natural Domme. i will look for more fetish events and maybe i will offer myself willingly to Women i've had no interest in serving before. my want to serve is becoming more of a need and it has to be satisfied somehow (No, i have no plans to be a client and that's probably where i've erred in the past by offering myself to Pro Dommes, but i've had great relationships with Pro Dommes as Their personal slaves but the recent crop that i have encountered obviously don't see any benefits of having me at Their mercy, so, my pursuit will take place outside of the Pro realm now!). i also hope that by utilizing this blog, i can express my feelings more freely and feel much better about wanting to give myself more freely so that i will become the perfect bottom for the Top i seek to serve or be used by.....

Please bite me....

OK, i've had this particular fantasy before i knew what Dominance was and i continue to have it more so nowadays! i want to be completely taken by a Sadistic Vampire! The thought of being at the mercy of such a sexual and devious creature does wonders for my imagination! Imagine being captured and having a Lady bite into your skin, sucking the blood and life out of you for Her pure enjoyment and nourishment. i would want Her to keep me forever for Her fun and for Her food. i want Her to play with me as a cat plays with a mouse before devouring it. i want Her to bring me to life again only to torture me and then prepare me as Her feast. i want Her to share me with Her other vampire firends, me feeling multiple fangs inserted in my skin, literally sucking the life out of me......

The Peeling......

OK, so one of the reasons i decided to publish a blog is to just state my thoughts, how i'm feeling or just to fantasize. i wrote a post about missing the feeling of my nipples being tormented and then several days later, having them peel. Miss Varla threatened to take care of that for me, but hasn't had the chance to (Hey, Miss Varla!). Up steps Miss Susie! i kinda got attached to Miss Susie when She first started at Rapture. After seeing the Tall Mitsu (What's good, Miss Mitsu?) in the flesh, i was amazed at first, by Her resemblance to Mitsu and then was even more amazed at Her height! Everyone knows that i have an Amazon fantasy and looking up to Miss Susie instantly got Her image etched in my brain.

Miss Susie and i continued emailing each other after the Rapture 'incident' and i took a great liking to Her, not only as a Domme, but as a person and i put more into a person's being then i do Their Domme persona. But, i am getting away from the reason i mentioned Her. i used to be a houseboy at Pandora's Box and i still speak to some of the managers and Dommes that utilize the facility. As most know, Miss Susie currently takes appointments at Pandora's, so it's a win-win situation for me if i go there and She is there. Well, ok, i went there BECAUSE She was there! i had an event to go to that night (about 2 weeks ago) but told Her i would come by to visit Her. After having small talk with the manager, i followed Miss Susie back to one of the rooms. She had intentions of testing out one of Her new toys on me but because i did get there later than She instructed me to and the fact that i had a birthday party to attend, i lost out on being Her test dummy. Stupid me....

But, alas, the night wouldn't be lost! During small talk, Miss Susie mentioned that Her day didn't go as well as expected, in fact, it had stressed Her out and She instructed me to take off my shirt (Well, shirts as i had on layers because it was freezing outside!) and i nervously did so. She said that She read my post about my nipples not getting any attention lately and that She is going to make sure that they become sore and peel later. Although i was scared, i was also excited because this Amazon is about to use me for Her pleasure as well as use me for my pleasure... So, She starts off twisting, tormenting and laughing at my facial expressions but at one point in time, she asked me were my nipples getting sore, i said no and Her eyes lit up and She then started to play with them harder, much to my enjoyment. But, of course, they kinda started to hurt at some point, but i refuse to say a safe word, although by my reactions, i think She thought that it was coming soon, but, no, i thought to myself out loud, i will NOT use a safeword. She then started looking at Her nails after digging them deep into my nipples and i am wondering to myself why She is looking at Her fingernails. She then said to me that it is Her mission to make my nipples bleed. As i usually do at these times, i wondered what i got myself into as i have never witnessed Susie, in any fashion, be sadistic, i've only seen Her be playful with Her torments.

So, despite my wringling around and trying to pull away from Her, SHE STRUCK GOLD!! But, that wasn't enough for Her, She turns to my other nipples and then starts to drive Her fingernails harder into my nipples as i am now hoping for blood so She can stop the torment (Yet, secretly, wishing i could continue and then follow Her home to be tortured unmercifully by the Asian Amazon!). Finally, blood starts to trickle from the unbleeding nipple and i see and sense satisfaction from Miss Susie. She then allowed me to replenish the fluids i lost and then allowed me to leave to go to the party with nipples that weren't as sore as i thought they would be, but, luckily, i don't really dance so i didn't have to worry about any woman rubbing up against my chest.

The next day, i emailed Miss Susie to brag that my nipples weren't sore at all, i felt proud that i was able to take all of that and wake up with no complications (Which was also a disappointment as well as i like to re-experience what i had gone through). 2 mistakes! One, Miss Susie assured me that it WILL be much worse and 2, they WERE sore later that day and i had already opened my big mouth and I emailed Her back to inform Her that they were, in fact, sore, but i think She thought i was saying that to stay ouot of trouble with Her. Nonetheless, they stayed sore for several days and then, IT HAPPENED!! The hardened nipples were starting to peel! YES! VICTORY IS MINE!!! It's always better to have a Domme actually peel the scabs off the nipples as it starts to hurt again, but since none were around, i had to do it on my own, thinking about Miss Susie every time a layer of skin came off.

After some time, the nipples are fully healed and although i am looking forward to the next peeling, well, the next torture of my nipples, then the peeling, i am also scared that Miss Susie or any Domme, for that matter, who is reading this, will make sure that it is more intense for me the next time....

The re-training of houseslave2000

i vowed that i would update my blog more often then some of the Dommes i follow and i have not done so and i should be punished for it! BUT, i just thought i'd let you know that it's been a good week as far as BDSM for me.

Since one of my goals is to become a better masochist and get to the level i was at several years ago and then go past that, i called up a former Mistress to help me in my quest. She owns Her own dungeon in Manhattan and i was Her personal slave many years ago and we remain friends and i speak to Her often, at least once a month. She is a true Sadist and i was taking a chance by calling Her to ask Her to bring my tolerance level to where it's been in the past. Out of all the Dommes i know, i chose Her because we are still cool and although She plays hard, She respects my limits and always knew what made me tick and helped me get to the masochistic level i achieved previously. PLUS, i know that She also trains Dommes and/or has other Dommes Who rent from Her and She always enjoyed 'throwing me to the wolves'.

Even though i was able to talk to Her about anything, i found it hard to actually ask Her to help me with my quest, but i also knew that once i started the conversation, She would know exactly what it is that i want, no, NEED. i miss playing and being abused by an attractive Woman and i also want to be able to take as much as a Domme wants to put out without 'bitchin' out or using a safe word. my former Dommes knew i hated using a safe word because i feel if i did so, i've failed Her, but also serving the Sadists i have in the past, that was Their goal, to get me to safeword, a challenge i always took head on but wouldn't DARE do today! Hopefully, with this situation, i will be back at the point of laughing at Dommes because They can't hurt me.

i will keep you posted on my 're-training' as i will call it because i am scared but also excited to be in the clutches of a true Sadist again and i know several Dommes out there that i would like to experience Their brand of Sadism, but i must get my balls back!

Why do subs like the thought of being ganged up on?

As i looked at this photo, i started fantasizing (AGAIN!) of being at an All Female Party and being the reason for the party. A party where i am the object of desire. The desire of the Women to hurt, punish, torture a male for the exclusive reason of 'Because We want to'. What is it about having multiple Women using and abusing me that turns me on so much? Knowing that the Sadistic Lust of several Women looking at me like i am a steak dinner and They haven't eaten for days. Why is it that in my fantasies, i am able to take any and every thing the Ladies have in store for me, for an extended period of time? Yes, i still fantasize of walking into a room full of Women looking at me with the sole intention of making me Their play toy for the night.... Can someOne help me?

i have a confession

i fantasize often, daily, hourly, shit, sometimes every minute! If i could reveal all the fantasies i have in my creative head, then i would never get the chance to actually participate in a scene! But, the purpose of this particular post is to reveal one of those fantasies. i don't stereotype, but i guess i do in my fantasies. i would submit to any type of Women (Within reason) of any nationality, culture, religious beliefs, etc. but, for some reason, in my extreme masochistic fantasies, there are 3 particular types of Women that come to mind when it comes to Sadistic pleasures.

The first is Russian. For some reason, maybe it's the accent, the way the words come out of Their mouths or just knowing that Russians in the war and spy movies are always the most cunning, evil and/or evil looking. i fantasize of being on a plane and the plane being directed elsewhere to Russia and being drugged and taken off the plane and be accused of spying (Or, of anything) and having to face an evil Russian Woman Who would rather torture me than to find out what it is she is supposedly looking for! She smiles every time i cry for mercy, but She enjoys tormenting me.

The second? Japanese (or any Asian really!). the reason i sway towards the Japanese is because most of the Japanese Domination videos shows the Japanese Women being so ruthless, uncaring and highly sadistic. In fact, it looks like the men in those videos are really being tortured, against their own will. And the fact that i can't understand what They are saying makes it even more exciting knowing i am being punished because i am not following directions.

The Third is German Women. i used to watch these old movies and i think the character's name was Hilda and it was a series of movies and She was always torturing someone. i enjoy their accents, the way They carry themselves, the army or whatever unit They would be involved in. i would imagine a 6 foot German Woman Who has no compassion for Her victim.

Symbolism

i know whenever i see or look at certain images and/or photos, i get excited at what it may mean to me as i view it. This particular image is a turn on for me because i DO fantasize of actually being owned in every sense of the word and having a ceremony to mark the occasion! To be given strict rules, protocols and instructions would test my tolerance as well as my commitment to my Owner. Maybe one day......

Being Auctioned Off

If i had time to live out my many diverse intense fantasies, then i would die a happy man. Well, one of the ways i would die would be at the hands of a Domme. But there is one particular fantasy that lingers in my mind and it would be fulfilling yet intriguing to have it happen. To be in a room or a stage or any place where Dommes would gather for the express purpose of obtaining a slave. There would be a number of men and women, nude, with numbers hanging from their necks and the Ladies looking for a sub, would be inspecting, testing the potential slaves for the use of the Dommes. Yes, people, a slave auction.

i see myself in line with other slaves, chained or tied up, being looked at by potential owners, faces being slapped, butts being pinched, nipples being pinched, all for the name of the Mistress finding a slave for whatever use She has planned. i see the various Ladies smiling, giving menacing looks, approving, disapproving and checking Their mental lists to see if me and the other slaves are what They are looking for. Anticipating taking one of us, or in the case of the wealthier Women, several of us to take home to put us to whatever use that is waiting for us.

Hearing the bids being placed on the other slaves before my number is called and i am brought to the front of the stage for the perusal of Dommes. Hearing the prices the Women are willing to pay to own and possess me, whether it's for hard labor, domestic service, chauffeuring, a whipping boy, a sex slave, whatever devious plans They have, i will be owned by one of these Ladies and i have no choice in the matter at all.....

The Art of Peeling

You know what i miss? i miss having my nipples tormented, i miss having them pinched and squeezed. i miss feeling the ecstasy of the erotic feeling of having a Woman play with them to Her delight. i miss the feeling of the sharpness of Her nails digging deep, sometimes so deep, it bleeds.

i also miss peeling the hardened scabs off my nipples a couple of days later. i miss putting on my T-shirt and my nipples being so sensitive, that they hurt again and reminds of of the time when my nipples were being tortured. i miss almost being brought to tears.

True Dominance

As i was looking through some personal ads on a BDSM dating website, a profile caught my attention, not just because the Domme was very attractive and not even because Her interests would have been a good match. It was what She wrote in Her description that grabbed my attention. What she wrote was something i've been saying for years and i can't believe i actually read it from someone i've never met. She stated that She is not a Pro Domme nor has no desire to be one because what She considers to be true dominance over a male, She would not take money from him. She stated that for Her to be superior over Her submissive, She has to actually be superior in every way possible. She said She should be the breadwinner/high earner and thus control him. Although She would allow him to work, She felt that what could be more powerful than Her holding the traditional male position in bringing home the bacon. What could be more powerful than knowing that She is worth more than him, can buy and sell him if she wanted and knows that he knows that his status in life is lower than Hers.

She said many other things, but that stood out because i've always felt that true dominance would encompass that, just like a Master with his female sub. i've never heard of a Master charging a sub for his dominance. i'm not saying it doesn't happen but i've never witnessed it. i've seen Masters take care of their submissives in every way imaginable, including financially, yet, in the Fem Domme world, it's the opposite, excuse me, in the Pro Fem Domme world.....

Missed Opportunities....

So, i find out today that i royally screwed up a great opportunity by being too cautious. i did the exact opposite of what i wanted to do because i gave too much thought to it as opposed to doing what i should have done. Don't you hate when that happens? I was given something on a silver, no, gold platter and because of nervousness, i bungled it. i didn't want to be too forward for fear that i would be looked upon as being too pushy, yet, i played the wrong role at the wrong time and i wish i could go back to that night and get a do-over.

NEVER AGAIN! The timing couldn't have been sooner! A new year starts in less than 24 hours of this writing and my main objective is to not think and just do and worry later! Instincts will take over thinking! i VOW that from now on, as of this writing, i will go with the flow!

And to the Woman Who i messed up this opportunity with, i only hope that i be given the chance to prove that You made the right choice and i promise you that it will be twice, no, three times better than it would have been, than it was! When i get that chance again, TRUST ME, i will NOT disappoint, i will meet all and every expectation!!!!

This is a new year!!!!!

Happy Birthday Mistress Miko!

May You have many, many, many,many more and then some more!!!

The Need To Be Taken.....

i've realized that my desires are changing and i am about to go deep into what i've always desired since realizing my submissiveness but i can only do that with a Domme Who is mentally capable of not only taking me there but keeping me there as well. That will be the real challenge.

Financial Domination

i never did nor will i ever understand what financial domination is about. To me, it's just a chance for some Woman (Or man) to get something for nothing! A chance to exploit someone who obviously has no life or nothing in life but to give money to a person who is not anywhere near them nor plan on being. i am pretty sure i can use a photo of a very attractive friend and claim to be Her and then milk some poor idiot of his money, as i am sure there are some men out there doing that. What is the appeal to give someone your money when there will never be a face to face meeting, let alone, an actual encounter?