i'm back!

Well, sort of...  i am collecting my thoughts again and will start posting them here again...  i hope You missed me as much as i missed you reading this....

Will i Ever Attend An Exciting Fetish Event Again?

So, i am slowly but surely re-entering the arena of Sadomasochism, once again. The fulfillment seems like it's never there. Life happens so it takes you to different places at different times, but, i still seek to be taken levels i haven't been to in years. It's now a matter of who, when and how at this point of time. Sadly, the NYC Fetish events haven't been as exciting as it had been in previous years and when i say previous years, i'm speaking of more than 10 years ago. You would figure since it's New York City, it would be lively. Don't get me wrong, different people see different things and i can only go my my own experiences. i am SURE a lot of people attending today's fetish events are having the time of their lives, i just so happen to NOT be one of them presently.

There was a time where play WAS the reason people attended these fetish events, but it seems to be more of a fashion show these days (Nothing wrong with that, i DO enjoy seeing women dressed or undressed in the name of fetishism) and/or a gathering of people within the scene (Again, nothing wrong with that, i enjoy seeing my scene friends ALL the time when i am out and about) but there was a time where a voyeur of the fetish arts would go home happy because of the exciting scenes going on around the venue (Notice, i said scenes, as i only see a scene or 2 when going to certain fetish events).

It Gets So Confusing At Times

What gets confusing you may ask? my thoughts, usually....  i still have an interest in submitting and becoming a 'real' masochist, but, not being in the mood to go out, puts a damper on things sometimes. And even when i DO go out, specifically to a fetish event in New York City, i encounter countless Pro Dommes trying to find a way to separate my ends from my means without truly caring about or for the connection one seeks in this 'lifestyle'. Sometimes i have a yearning to attend a private event, knowing no one, but being welcomed just for having the nerve to show up and with the possibility of finding someone who is naturally sadistic and actually gets turned on with the thought of abusing someone like me. But, how do i find such parties? The underground is TRULY underground.....

The Art of Public Play

i am not one to play in public, PERIOD! It's not something i actively participate in, although i AM a voyeur and enjoy watching public play, it's just that i don't want to play in public, simple. i have been in the scene for about 16 years and i am ALWAYS asked that question on a regular basis. 'How come you don't play in public, Why don't you play at parties?' Well, everyone has a fetish and needs and wants. If someone feels comfortable doing what they do in public, then by all means, I salute you! But, just because you enjoy doing so in public, doesn't mean i have to as well. That's absurd!

Can i Be On Call To Be Abused?

So, i am constantly thinking, ok, maybe i'll call it fantasizing, of what i'd like to do or how i'd like to be used by a Woman. Now, don't get it twisted, i know there are Pro Dommes, Financial Dommes and just Women Who just take advantage of any man They can get Their hands on (And, if You are reading this incorrectly, don't blame me as i am NOT looping all of these Women into one category, i am just using examples to make a point, so PLEASE read what is being written.....), no, i'm not talking about that type of using as that will never be me (Whether it's because i don't have that type of cash or because i am just that smart to NOT give a Woman money just because She says so, that's what my future wife's role is! lol). But, i have a constant feeling of being used and abused by a Woman for the sheer enjoyment of Her being able to use and abuse me without me expecting or wanting anything in return.

Single Tail?!?!? Why me?!?!?

For those who know me, it's been stated multiple times over the years that, my 2 worst enemies are the single tail and the cane! So, why is it that, in the past 2 months, 2 separate Dommes have called upon my services to be Their practice dummy? And to make matters worse, it was specifically for the single tail!!! Now, most people in the scene know that i am a sucker for pretty faces, so i didn't have the balls to say no to either one of the Dommes.

i've abandoned all of You....

But, i shall return...... my thoughts have gotten more creative, fantasies more graphic, desires more needed...... Let the games begin....

Anal Training

So, as i am cleaning my apartment, i come across the anal training kit i bought some time ago and i wonder how it would be if i had actually used it. A couple of months ago, a Domme wanted to rape me and i wanted (Still want) to be raped as well. The only problem i have is that i have a very small asshole, which is the reason i bought the anal training kit in the first place....

Oh well, i guess i can still fantasize of what could be. The thought of a Woman being the aggressor and 'fucking' me is a complete turn on. i even fantasize of being gang-raped.....

Wow....

i would have figured by now, i'd have countless stories to tell You, brag about or just plain new experiences, but none of that. But i must say that i am going to pick up my 'submissive' life once again as i have been yearning for abuse and servitude. i was recently serving a Domme Who was just plain boring and it was not delightful at all. She is an attractive Woman but needs to be trained on how to dominate.... Oh well... She couldn't even punish correctly which made it painful. And not painful like ouch, i'm in pain, painful like, Dammit, when will this be over, i'm bored out of my skull painful!

Well, now it's another fresh start for me. i went to Suspension 2 weeks ago and i was truly bored so that didn't help. Where are the exciting Dommes today?!?!?!?

Fantasies.....

This scene plays in my mind daily. Why? i want to be enslaved by Women. i've envisioned being imprisoned, for whatever reason, by sadistic, no-nonsense Women Who are so powerful that a look can intimidate the biggest of any man. This scene plays out in a way that i can not escape because the Women have it in a way where escape is futile. And even if You make an attempt, the punishment is so severe that it's worse than dying!

Being at the mercy of Women that only care about the subjugation and punishment of men is a fantasy that, of course, in real life, i probably couldn't handle, but i fantasize of often. To be captured by Women and charged with the crime of being a man and then sentenced to a facility that was built for the expressed purpose of torturing and keeping men emasculated brings many thoughts to mind. Being on someone else's schedule with no input at all and having no choice in the matter. Being whipped for the enjoyment of Women because, well, just because. Being shackled, caged and starved..... You get the picture.....

The Desire To Worship the Female Body

There have been times where people say that a Domme in the nude (More specifically, a Pro Domme), is not domination and it is immoral. i beg to differ! It may not seem very professional in the mindset of many but who is to say that that is wrong? i, for one, LOVE the female body in its complete form. Of course, my favorite part of the female anatomy is Her legs.... A Woman with a great set of legs can get me to do almost anything (Within reason) but that's not the topic today! :) I do know that the female body deserves to be worshiped, of course, if the female wants it to be worshiped (But how can you force worship on someone?).

Seeing a nude Woman is one of the greatest sights known to man, depending on the Woman's body type and what is desired from that woman. Although i LOVE seeing a Woman in stilettos, skirt and anything She wants to put on to make Her look sexy, nothing beats seeing the body it its natural state. If i am allowed to worship any part of a Woman's body, it is an honor and i see nothing wrong with a Woman being dominant while she is nude......

Yes, You Can Use My Face For Your Pleasure....

Facesitting is not my thing.... But, amazingly, the thought of having my face engulfed in some Woman's ass is intriguing. The way i look at it, smelly, nasty shit comes out of the hole, so why should i want to be involved with it in any way? The body is getting rid of things from that hole for a reason, why should i go near it? But, alas, the fascination of being under or maybe it's the inferiority complex that one would have in serving a Superior Woman. What more humiliating task puts the accent on submitting to One Who is Superior to you?

Yet, here i am, fantasizing of being under a Woman's ass..... How does this happen? Maybe it's the image aspect of a Woman looking at me as being less than a person, only as an object to be used for Her pleasure and satisfaction. Or maybe it's just the thought of Her sitting on my face just because She wants to. Or could it be that my face under Her ass as a comfort for that body part makes me think in terms of being seen as comfort for the expressed purpose of satisfying Her, no more, no less, makes it intriguing knowing that that is what She is thinking. Or at least, what i am hoping...

But then again, knowing that i do enjoy pleasing a Woman orally, maybe in the back of my mind, imagining my tongue pleasuring Her in a way that a woman orally pleases a man! Thinking that Her power lies in the fact that i am laying on my back, awaiting Her moistness to be placed squarely on my face with the only goal of pleasuring Her until She is satisfied, until She comes off, until She is so pleased that She just lays there knowing that my face is there for Her expressed use.....

Vore Fantasies....

Part of Dominance to me, dwells on anything that would put me in a subservient position or places the Woman in a position of power. There are fantasies and scenarios that, of course, will never happen but it still fascinates me in my mind as far as fantasizing about it often.

One of these fantasies is being shrunken or being captured by a Giant Woman. Not only being caught by a Giant Woman, but, a Giant Woman Who is anxious to devour me as a meal. i fantasize of being trapped by a hungry Giantess Who is hungry to have my flesh in Her mouth. Hungry to taste my blood, hungry to eat me, but not only eat me, but eat me alive. There is the sadism in Her to have me feel Her teeth rip into my skin, to watch me plead and suffer while She sucks on the blood, crunch my bones, to feel me actually lose my life in Her mouth.

Maybe before She actually devours me, She wants to play with me, to slightly torture me and watch me plead for my life, having me think that if i plead with every inch of my heart, that She will allow me to live and escape being Her meal. She delights at watching me cry and beg for mercy, knowing that Her intention is to eat me alive, eat me until i am completely in Her system as nutrition for Her body. For Her to lick me, Her way of teasing, sucking on my skin, to have me actually feel the warmth of Her breath on me, thinking about how i can get out of this situation.

Maybe She 'accidentally' drops me, giving me a chance to escape, giving me an ounce of hope that i have escaped Her clutches, but to Her, it's a game of cat and mouse and of course, me being the mouse. i escape momentarily, happy for the moment, but She has me in Her view all the time and is ready to eat. She captures me, sticks a fingernail in my stomach to make me bleed so that She can have some blood that She is craving. Enough playing, Her eyes lock in on me, i start pleading again, but the look in Her eyes tells me that this is it for me as She brings me closer to Her face, i feel Her breath and then Her teeth..........

Having Somewhere To Eat

So, my submissive mind is always thinking about how i can properly serve and please my Domme. It fascinates me knowing that if i am pleasing Her in the way She expects, deserves and desires, then the goals are being met in the subjugation of me and the empowerment of Her. Of course, outside of the Pro Domme aspect, in the mind of a lifestyle (Can i call myself lifestyle based on the fact that i don't go to pros to submit?) sub, this can and does enter into realms deemed illegal and immoral, the thoughts of submitting in ways that is mutually beneficial.

When we think of BDSM, it does tinker on our sexual proclivities and/or empowering the Top in the way that both parties (or mostly the Top) can agree to or at least the sub can tolerate in the thought process of pleasing and/or submitting to his Top's preference. This does and should include, on the direction of the Domme, pleasing the Top in the way She wants to be pleased and not necessarily with the thought of the sub doing the pleasing.

i am fascinated at the thought of the reversal of roles when it comes to the sexual mindset of how, we, as men, think and want from our Women in bed. From society's thought process, the man is in control and when he wants sex or pleasure from his partner, the partner should adhere to his wishes as he wants them and some may say, and as a duty to him. Which brings up what i sometimes, well, OK, always fantasize about and that's the thought of being made to get on my knees and orally please my Domme on instruction from Her and for the complete and total satisfaction of Her sexual wants, even if it's just me licking and pleasing Her for as long as She wants with not even a thought of my own sexual needs and/or wants.

i do imagine getting a 'booty' call from my Domme and made to strip and be told that my only purpose for the moment is to get Her off completely, despite what i want from it or if i get anything out of it. Her pleasure and instruction on how She wants that pleasure will be the main and primary duty on tap. And then when She is done or finished with having me at Her mercy, then She dismisses me regardless of whether i got off or not.....

I Need To Be Arrested...

No doubt, fantasizing about certain things wouldn't work in the vanilla world and/or i wouldn't want to participate in, but one recurring fantasy is so hot that i am sure it's common among submissives.

i fantasize of being wrongly accused of a violent crime, a case of mistaken identity and accosted by very aggressive cops (Female, of course!) and me protesting, being brutalized by the officers for 'resisting' arrest. The crime i am accused of is rape and sodomy and the cops that arrest me are so hell bent on justice that They decide to forgo the legal system and offer me a choice while i am in the squad car. They tell me They can take me to the station house and book me, throw me in jail and publicize what i am accused of and take my chances with, not only the justice system, but the thugs in the prison system who don't take kindly to men who rape Women. OR, i can be taken elsewhere and become prisoners to Them.

Of course, after consideration, i think about my options knowing that the cards are dealt against me because of the false accusation as well as the evidence planted against me by the cops. i choose, reluctantly, to become the prisoner of these cops and of course, They live to abuse me in every way imaginable way, including sodomy with nightsticks and various objects and they give me a life sentence.......

Vulnerability

OK, OK! Miss Susie was right! I am just as bad, if not worse than the Dommes i complained about not updating Their blogs! i should be punished and abused by all the Dommes i've ever talked bad about Who haven't updated Their blogs!!!

With that being said, i often wonder what it is about being nude in front of a Domme. When i was first being trained, it was a remarkable feeling to be fully exposed in front of an attractive and demanding Woman. As powerful as I would feel in my every day vanilla life, i would feel the EXACT opposite of that while naked in front of a Woman Who was fully dressed. In fact, it's safe to say that i am more submissive when i am fully nude. I am so vulnerable for many reasons as i am exposed, not in just the physical sense, but in the mental and emotional sense.

i feel i can and do give more of myself when i have no clothes on and an attractive Woman is there, ESPECIALLY when She has any instrument or a threat of punishment at Her hands. Come to think of it, maybe i do prefer to be at my most vulnerable in order to feel completely at the mercy of the Domme i am serving......

New Approach....

Sorry for the lack of posting, but i have had nothing to post about...... But, in light of recent events (Meaning nothing!), i have decided to take a different approach in hopes of fulfilling my goals of becoming a straight masochist. i do know some great Dommes and i would have hoped that i could have been in the clutches of One or Two or Three, etc. since i thought i had good relationships with Them, but evidently, this is not enough and instead of trying to serve Them or be of use to Them, i have decided to start my search fresh and hope for the best! Maybe one of these Sadistic Women Who know nothing about me will be willing to give me the chance to serve or They will enjoy having someone like me to abuse for Their enjoyment. i plan on being more active on FetLife now, utilizing collarme more and maybe try craigslist to find the Woman that would be happy to have me as Theirs. Maybe i will even change my name, my mindset, anything to be of use to a natural Domme. i will look for more fetish events and maybe i will offer myself willingly to Women i've had no interest in serving before. my want to serve is becoming more of a need and it has to be satisfied somehow (No, i have no plans to be a client and that's probably where i've erred in the past by offering myself to Pro Dommes, but i've had great relationships with Pro Dommes as Their personal slaves but the recent crop that i have encountered obviously don't see any benefits of having me at Their mercy, so, my pursuit will take place outside of the Pro realm now!). i also hope that by utilizing this blog, i can express my feelings more freely and feel much better about wanting to give myself more freely so that i will become the perfect bottom for the Top i seek to serve or be used by.....

Please bite me....

OK, i've had this particular fantasy before i knew what Dominance was and i continue to have it more so nowadays! i want to be completely taken by a Sadistic Vampire! The thought of being at the mercy of such a sexual and devious creature does wonders for my imagination! Imagine being captured and having a Lady bite into your skin, sucking the blood and life out of you for Her pure enjoyment and nourishment. i would want Her to keep me forever for Her fun and for Her food. i want Her to play with me as a cat plays with a mouse before devouring it. i want Her to bring me to life again only to torture me and then prepare me as Her feast. i want Her to share me with Her other vampire firends, me feeling multiple fangs inserted in my skin, literally sucking the life out of me......

The Peeling......

OK, so one of the reasons i decided to publish a blog is to just state my thoughts, how i'm feeling or just to fantasize. i wrote a post about missing the feeling of my nipples being tormented and then several days later, having them peel. Miss Varla threatened to take care of that for me, but hasn't had the chance to (Hey, Miss Varla!). Up steps Miss Susie! i kinda got attached to Miss Susie when She first started at Rapture. After seeing the Tall Mitsu (What's good, Miss Mitsu?) in the flesh, i was amazed at first, by Her resemblance to Mitsu and then was even more amazed at Her height! Everyone knows that i have an Amazon fantasy and looking up to Miss Susie instantly got Her image etched in my brain.

Miss Susie and i continued emailing each other after the Rapture 'incident' and i took a great liking to Her, not only as a Domme, but as a person and i put more into a person's being then i do Their Domme persona. But, i am getting away from the reason i mentioned Her. i used to be a houseboy at Pandora's Box and i still speak to some of the managers and Dommes that utilize the facility. As most know, Miss Susie currently takes appointments at Pandora's, so it's a win-win situation for me if i go there and She is there. Well, ok, i went there BECAUSE She was there! i had an event to go to that night (about 2 weeks ago) but told Her i would come by to visit Her. After having small talk with the manager, i followed Miss Susie back to one of the rooms. She had intentions of testing out one of Her new toys on me but because i did get there later than She instructed me to and the fact that i had a birthday party to attend, i lost out on being Her test dummy. Stupid me....

But, alas, the night wouldn't be lost! During small talk, Miss Susie mentioned that Her day didn't go as well as expected, in fact, it had stressed Her out and She instructed me to take off my shirt (Well, shirts as i had on layers because it was freezing outside!) and i nervously did so. She said that She read my post about my nipples not getting any attention lately and that She is going to make sure that they become sore and peel later. Although i was scared, i was also excited because this Amazon is about to use me for Her pleasure as well as use me for my pleasure... So, She starts off twisting, tormenting and laughing at my facial expressions but at one point in time, she asked me were my nipples getting sore, i said no and Her eyes lit up and She then started to play with them harder, much to my enjoyment. But, of course, they kinda started to hurt at some point, but i refuse to say a safe word, although by my reactions, i think She thought that it was coming soon, but, no, i thought to myself out loud, i will NOT use a safeword. She then started looking at Her nails after digging them deep into my nipples and i am wondering to myself why She is looking at Her fingernails. She then said to me that it is Her mission to make my nipples bleed. As i usually do at these times, i wondered what i got myself into as i have never witnessed Susie, in any fashion, be sadistic, i've only seen Her be playful with Her torments.

So, despite my wringling around and trying to pull away from Her, SHE STRUCK GOLD!! But, that wasn't enough for Her, She turns to my other nipples and then starts to drive Her fingernails harder into my nipples as i am now hoping for blood so She can stop the torment (Yet, secretly, wishing i could continue and then follow Her home to be tortured unmercifully by the Asian Amazon!). Finally, blood starts to trickle from the unbleeding nipple and i see and sense satisfaction from Miss Susie. She then allowed me to replenish the fluids i lost and then allowed me to leave to go to the party with nipples that weren't as sore as i thought they would be, but, luckily, i don't really dance so i didn't have to worry about any woman rubbing up against my chest.

The next day, i emailed Miss Susie to brag that my nipples weren't sore at all, i felt proud that i was able to take all of that and wake up with no complications (Which was also a disappointment as well as i like to re-experience what i had gone through). 2 mistakes! One, Miss Susie assured me that it WILL be much worse and 2, they WERE sore later that day and i had already opened my big mouth and I emailed Her back to inform Her that they were, in fact, sore, but i think She thought i was saying that to stay ouot of trouble with Her. Nonetheless, they stayed sore for several days and then, IT HAPPENED!! The hardened nipples were starting to peel! YES! VICTORY IS MINE!!! It's always better to have a Domme actually peel the scabs off the nipples as it starts to hurt again, but since none were around, i had to do it on my own, thinking about Miss Susie every time a layer of skin came off.

After some time, the nipples are fully healed and although i am looking forward to the next peeling, well, the next torture of my nipples, then the peeling, i am also scared that Miss Susie or any Domme, for that matter, who is reading this, will make sure that it is more intense for me the next time....

The re-training of houseslave2000

i vowed that i would update my blog more often then some of the Dommes i follow and i have not done so and i should be punished for it! BUT, i just thought i'd let you know that it's been a good week as far as BDSM for me.

Since one of my goals is to become a better masochist and get to the level i was at several years ago and then go past that, i called up a former Mistress to help me in my quest. She owns Her own dungeon in Manhattan and i was Her personal slave many years ago and we remain friends and i speak to Her often, at least once a month. She is a true Sadist and i was taking a chance by calling Her to ask Her to bring my tolerance level to where it's been in the past. Out of all the Dommes i know, i chose Her because we are still cool and although She plays hard, She respects my limits and always knew what made me tick and helped me get to the masochistic level i achieved previously. PLUS, i know that She also trains Dommes and/or has other Dommes Who rent from Her and She always enjoyed 'throwing me to the wolves'.

Even though i was able to talk to Her about anything, i found it hard to actually ask Her to help me with my quest, but i also knew that once i started the conversation, She would know exactly what it is that i want, no, NEED. i miss playing and being abused by an attractive Woman and i also want to be able to take as much as a Domme wants to put out without 'bitchin' out or using a safe word. my former Dommes knew i hated using a safe word because i feel if i did so, i've failed Her, but also serving the Sadists i have in the past, that was Their goal, to get me to safeword, a challenge i always took head on but wouldn't DARE do today! Hopefully, with this situation, i will be back at the point of laughing at Dommes because They can't hurt me.

i will keep you posted on my 're-training' as i will call it because i am scared but also excited to be in the clutches of a true Sadist again and i know several Dommes out there that i would like to experience Their brand of Sadism, but i must get my balls back!